Last week I had an eight year old and now she's nine. Our birthday celebrations have always been simple, and this year was no exception. We're a family of shy introverts; planning the kind of birthday party that is common today in America is beyond my reach and desire. So perhaps I fail in this part of motherhood. I don't think I care. My girls are still floating and dancing and giggling and shrieking, so I hope this is not creating a dark scar on their hearts to share with therapists in later years. It's our tradition, an understated, family oriented gathering, focused on the food that someone spent the day creating - kneading, pouring, grating, and whipping their happiness at this person's existence into deliciousness. My mother's family had these kinds of birthdays, and when we came along, her five girls, this is what she gave us.
Consequently, we've raised our children to have, well, low material expectations on their birthday. They are both blessed to have been born in beautiful months, months that invite humans out to play, walk, forage, run, and bike. We've shown them that they have our attention on their birthdays. They have our time and skillset for whatever they are creating that day. What they consider to be gastronomically delightful will be served with a flourish. We'll all spend time together. We're very casual about gifts; this year I'm planning on taking my brand new nine year old out to pick up some art supplies later in the week. I would say that our focus is less of a celebration of the day one person in our family was born and more of a celebration about the role and space that person occupies in our family and our appreciation of that.
This is not a minimalist rant against birthday parties. I'm just sharing an aspect of our lives that has always been minimal and is probably even more so lately. I have been to some fantastic little parties; they were small, focused on playing rather than things, and not heavily structured. It's so easy to get carried away today - where only a 2K weekend in Manhattan with a gaggle of teens will do. Where some girl whose parents fall on the lower end of the income spectrum feels stigmatized because she doesn't have enough money to chip in on a piece of expensive jewelry for someone in her cliques birthday. That's a shame. A birthday, to my mind, has very little to do with belongings and places and everything to do with gratitude and love. If a length of streamers and some friends helps celebrate that, good. If debt, anxiety, and the feeling of being overwhelmed swamp you - not good.
For us, it was a lovely birthday weekend.
A sunflower bloomed after nearly a week of constant checking on its tightly closed status. To me, auspicious. She's a sunny, mild child. Sweet mango juice runs through her veins. Her face is round and open; I hope this is never lost. I also hope her days are filled with the splash of joy an open sunflower brings.
Balloons, a novelty for the toddler; she called them her ears (WTH?).
Requests for Key Lime Pie. It's a fresh favourite and pairs well with our weather now.
Homemade pasta; a true sign of love as our kitchen is still dismantled and pasta paraphernalia was strewn across a messy table.
Nine candles. I'm happy. I'm wistful. Her feet long ago shed their dinner roll chubbiness and now her mind is maturing - it's always too fast, yes?
Blow by blow accounts of what my uterus was doing at this time or that time 9 years ago.
Repeated trips with just Dad/The Simple Man to the hardware store. They come home with bits and bobs, copper tubing, wire, dreams of projects. Oh, and kitchen tiles. Lots of tiles.
How do you celebrate birthdays?
How ironic that I opened to find this today! Sounds very much like big girl's birthday today (even down to the trips to Home Depot...I marvel at how much they all fight over going with him, but it is that time alone which in our house is precious).
She's excited, and helping me make her favorite dinner for just us, Nana and Da and her friend, as well as a cake to her specifications. (NOT with garbanzo-fava flour!) I'm hoping this will usher in a new phase with modified expectations. She even said, "You know, I like having just one person here, because I can actually talk to them". I prefer gathering with a friend and their husband, or two families we get along well with, because the dynamic is comfortable. The third wheel thing can be hard when you mix different groups (especially in-laws!) in one occasion. Plus, just the sheer size of our family makes everything a big crowd, so adding more to that gets overwhelming (for me as well as for them). So I'm pleased.
Obviously, my phone died - ha! But all for the best, though it wonderful talking, as always. At least I have the blog to feel connected regularly...love you!
Posted by: maureen173@gmail.com | 07/25/2011 at 01:15 PM
Love the pictures by the way, especially the balloons in the softly lit yellow room.
Posted by: maureen173@gmail.com | 07/25/2011 at 01:17 PM
I love the term "modified expectations." I think people get into a cycle where they feel they have to one-up themselves in terms of their kid's birthdays every year. How stressful! Birthday parties are great, but when it goes from a happy gathering, to a large gathering with ponies and clowns, then a bouncy house, all the way through their teens until the parents are shelling out to take a group of kids to Mexico or something!
Your little birthday gathering sounds sweet, and what a wise comment she made about being able to talk with a friend! Must get together soon - all your comments make me miss you too!
Wait - you're not having garbanzo cake? I'm so disappointed! ;)
Posted by: TheSimplePoppy | 07/25/2011 at 01:35 PM
Happy Birthday!
We celebrate birthdays much like you, just family togetherness and good, warm comfort food. Since we have three boys born in December and January the focus has never been on presents. I don't do birthday parties for the boys and friends birthday parties have been difficult for me to handle (which I suspect will get worse as each one enters school). It's one of those things that make me wonder if I'm being a good mother or not; should they go to friends parties just to make or keep friends, spending money on toys that I wouldn't even buy my own kids bothers me, and then there is the issue of being allowed to go alone or not, we live in a very transient community(military) where the parents are not long time friends of ours and the kids won't be around the following school year anyway. I'm also an introvert that doesn't do well in social situations with people I'm not familiar with and I imagine the birthday kids parents wonder why there is only one mother hanging around the party, the one and only party I allowed him to go to I went also and was the only parent there. So for now I will ignore the daily invitations that are brought home until I can come up with a better way to handle it.
Posted by: Cortney | 07/25/2011 at 03:22 PM
Hi Cortney, you bring up a good point - other kids' birthday parties. My kids have gone to a few, but not many, and never the really grand ones. Like you, I don't like milling around with a bunch of people I don't know, bringing people who make tons more money than us gifts that I don't generally buy and that they probably don't need! There have been a few times I brought very simple gifts, like art supplies or something, and then I felt a little self-conscious because they were so clearly the cheapest and least bling-y gift there. Aargh! The whole thing is awkward. I generally just say we have plans and leave it at that. Most of my close friends do as we do or have small gatherings, everyone else I just have to say no to!
Posted by: TheSimplePoppy | 07/25/2011 at 03:35 PM
I think your daughter's birthday party sounds lovely. We also keep it low key. Your description of the events and your daughter are delightful. She sounds like a wonderful child. I think the way you choose to celebrate your children's birthday is beautiful. I am always put off by the super birthdays. I have seen children's birthday parties whee the cake alone must have cost $200 dollars and I know the 1.5 hours the kids spent in the bouncy house cost at least $300. It is crazy. And then each year parents have to top the last year (just like you said above). It gets to be too much
We have a family celebration (just the three of us) on his birthday with his crown and a few gifts from us and whatever friends and family sent him in the mail (they have a one gift per occasion rule). We hang his birthday banner, set out his birthday ring with candles, and his birthday crown. You can see some pictures of his second birthday here: http://everythingidreamed.blogspot.com/2010/09/carters-second-birthday.html and a few of his fist birthday here: http://everythingidreamed.blogspot.com/2010/09/my-little-boy-is-two.html. Last year was the first year we had a party. We invited the few close friends we have here and hosted it at the park with cupcakes, ice cream and juice boxes. Here are the pics of his park birthday: http://everythingidreamed.blogspot.com/2010/09/fine-day-for-party.html. I am not a big fan of party favor bags because they are usually just filled with junk. So, we gave kick balls as favors to the older children (3 in total) and parents were free to leave them behind if they didn't need them. It was perfect. We will probably do something low key again this year, most likely in our back yard since we have the space now. It will still be hot (his birthday weekend is labor day) so maybe we will do a water theme. I still like the idea of a themed party, but dialed WAY back from some of the stuff I see online. The ideas are cute but so over the top.
I'm glad you all had a such a happy day!
Posted by: jaime | 07/25/2011 at 03:47 PM
Jaime, those are such sweet birthday pictures you have up. I'm totally with you on the favor bag - a hassle and cost for the host parents and usually just more clutter for the guests; the ball idea is great!
I actually believe that this is one of the ways parents teach children how to get INTO debt. When you see your parents spending so much money on the frenzy of a huge party, it shows them that any amount of money is worth it to make people "happy," without teaching them what happiness really is!
Love your low key ideas - a water party sounds freaking awesome about now (um, we're having a break in the weather - still 90!)
Posted by: TheSimplePoppy | 07/25/2011 at 06:11 PM
So beautiful! I have one Summer boy and one Winter boy. We focus on family and food too (a chosen dinner, but most specifically dessert...we are a family of folks with sweet teeth!)My younger Summer son is a bit more extroverted and requested the company of friends at his gatherings (we still do a family dinner too, separately). For him, we have had some little gatherings where a small group of friends camped out in the yard and we took them for a hike. Another year we watched Pink Panther movies, and three boys slept over and ate pancakes in the morning. My older Winter son shares his birthday with his Papa and does not typically enjoy gatherings outside of family time. I usually make two cakes for that event so each choose their favorite, and we often play a board game of Winter Son's choice.
I loved what you said about celebrating the individual and their role in the family.
Posted by: Mama Minou | 07/26/2011 at 12:36 AM
Hi Mama Minou, my youngest is still a toddler, but she seems to be more outgoing than the rest of us - I guess time will tell! My children get to choose all the food, but of course, it's dessert that seems most important. My husband often tries to convince me that we need not only their favourites, but his also, on their birthdays!
My birthday is in winter and even though it's not a time where we are outside as much, I love sweeping the evening free of anything but being cosy, hanging out, playing games or watching a film - that's my ideal birthday!
Posted by: TheSimplePoppy | 07/26/2011 at 06:49 AM
How delightful! Your kids are very lucky.
Posted by: Trish | 07/26/2011 at 07:58 AM
I love this post!
I don't have kids yet :) but I do work for a company that throws artistic experiential parties for kids. It's in NYC and man alive are the parties expensive. I cringe when I work the parties mainly because I see stressed out host parents who care more about what the other parents will think and if they will be impressed. It's a competition and that makes me so sad. The kids always have a fantastic time but so many parents seem anxious the whole time and barely interact with the kids except to take a birthday photo with their kid infront of the cake. I am very torn about my work sometimes because I love facilitating the art making processwith kids and with any age group but art as a business is very unbalanced. It only secures in my mind even more that my minimalist journey is right on track. I too grew up with family gathering birthday parties and they were so simple and lovely. Very inspiring to hear about your views on birthday parties and happy birthday to the blossoming 9 year old!!! Much love!
Posted by: Tali | 07/26/2011 at 10:36 AM
Thanks Trish, I hope they feel lucky!
Posted by: TheSimplePoppy | 07/26/2011 at 12:33 PM
Hi Tali, your job sounds very cool. I can see why you'd feel conflicted about it - though doing art with kids is always good, whether their parents paid big money just to keep up with the Jones or not. For me, I think there are ways of achieving a unique and creative birthday (or any kind of gathering) without much money or stuff. Thanks for wishing my big girl happiness and thanks for commenting!
Posted by: TheSimplePoppy | 07/26/2011 at 12:42 PM
Your photos are beautiful. I especially love the lime !
Posted by: Tasmanian Minimalist | 07/28/2011 at 07:22 AM